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#5 – Church

March 11, 2008

Ten minutes after sparking up a conversation with a Black person a routine question asked will be, “What Church do you attend?” If you are Atheist, the best thing to do is excuse yourself from the room upon being asked this question. Black people do not like Atheists, they believe they are possessed by the devil. Not attending church is frowned upon in the Black community. This is because Black people love church.

In the Black Community Church is not just a place to worship God. But a place to gossip about thy neighbor, socialize, mingle with the opposite sex, sing without embarrassing yourself, and out dress your fellow Negro. Contrary to White Churches, it is a normal occurrence to see women with their hands in the air crying. They are not in pain, they have just caught the Holy Ghost. If you hear a woman yell, “Oh Lord, or Amen” while the Reverend is preaching his interpretation of the Bible, this means the Reverend mentioned something that the lady can relate to her life, which normally has something to do with drama.

Every Black Church is plagued with rumors. It is not uncommon to overhear that _______ slept with _______’s wife, or that someone happens to be sleeping with the preachers daughter and/or wife. Often times these rumors are found to be untrue, and the next set of rumors will be quickly put into rotation, to keep things exciting so people will return to church next week to hear more stories from the “grapevine”. You may see a bouquet of roses at church atop a womans head, don’t worry, it’s just the weekly “Battle of the Hats” Black females partake in.

When giving tithes its best to give a minimum of 5 dollars. If less than 5 dollars is donated to the church and you are seen by a member of a rival Negro family, you are automatically deemed poor. This could possibly result in you hearing next week on the grapevine about a food drive being planned for a family in need.

Note: Dancing is normal in a Black church. If you are white and attend a black church and see people dancing, do not bust-a-move. This is socially unacceptable because of the stereotype that white people cannot dance. Also, the more money you donate to the church the more you will be blessed, according to many a Rev.

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25 comments

  1. Hallelujah! I can feel the groove even from far off UK.


  2. Hey! You forgot to mention the annual Extravaganza that is Easter! 😀


  3. AMEN! Lol!


  4. I love it!! Hallelujah!


  5. i love me some church, i go out shopping for only church outfits because i have to make sure everyone knows how fly and fresh i am regardless of the setting. 🙂


  6. AMEN!!! PREACH ON PREACHER!!! LOL The “Easter Extravaganza” or “Christmas Expo” is also when members you haven’t seen in forever come back to show that they are still doing good!! This was great!


  7. Is this why every black athlete thanks god, or allah when they are interviewed for doing anything positive? Or is that another sterotype? It would be cool if one time somebody said I would like to thank Satan b/c I sold my soul to win this NBA championship and the pussy and cash I’ll get from it will be worth eternal damnation.


  8. Lol @ JoseOle, that would be the end of that athletes career


  9. I feel safe saying this here:

    I pretend to be “religious” when I am around other Black people. I do this to avoid conflict.


  10. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!!!! This site is all kinds of wrong! As a Black person I feel this site is out of touch, stereotypical and not half as cleverly written as the authors think it is. I for one can definitely take a joke, that’s why I appreciate some sites like stuffeducatedblack people like, because it is done in a way that shows someone took out time to carefully craft the messaging so that it wouldn’t be off color or blatantly disrespectful. It’s obvious whom ever is writing is making fun of things they see as trivial in the black community. All ya’ll black folks taht are actually taking this site seriously don’t see that this is another Don Imus poking fun at our heritage, culture and history.


  11. If you’ve had enough then navigate to another site!

    We can all laugh @ StuffWhitePeopleLike.com and we can all laugh at this.

    The only thing I would say is that the White middle class is satired @ the White site while the Black lower class is satired here. It would be great if we could see some Black middle class humor for a change…


  12. For the folks who have an issue with this site:

    Stuff Black People Hate is a good look then, google it.He’s too hilarious and he’s everything he says is real talk.

    Stuff Educated Black People Like is okay . . . not as funny as Stuff White People Like. But maybe its because I’m black and seeing a compiled list of things that are “stereotypical liberal Caucasian characteristics” is more interesting because it highlights our differences or things I noticed but never understood about (certain) white folks!


  13. i like this post. made me smile


  14. I have never met a Black atheist. Kinda weird.


  15. Yes you have-they were likely lying about being religious to avoid conflict.


  16. I’m defintitely not an atheist (becasue that would kill my moms) but I am not all that into church (gasp!). So, as stated before, when around other black folk I pretend as if I am to avoid conflict. One time I let some crazy shit slip out of my mouth about how I believe man created God and no one in the room wanted to talk to me for the rest of the night…lesson learned! Now I keep my controversial opinions about God to myself when in the company of other God fearing black folk.


  17. What do you think about God mini? controversy is a must here.


  18. Uhuru, I’m with you. You have to pretend…that’s how non diverse black folks really are. I love this site!!! We can laugh at ourselves w/o being uptight.

    I like http://whatghettopeoplelike.blogspot.com/

    too!


  19. glad you get the point haireality and uhura. too many tight jeaned wet blanketers all the time.


  20. black people like church??

    WHAT A CLEVER OBSERVATION!!!


  21. Newsflash Mini

    If the only reason you “believe” in Gawd or De Lawd is to prevent your moms from flipping the fuck out-you’re an atheist.


  22. Love

    absurdtosublime.blogspot.com

    Thanks for writing about this.


  23. […] public whoopings are regular , if the whooping is severe enough and you are seen by a fellow church member, be prepared to overhear something on the grapevine about an abusive father or mother who […]


  24. i dont like church.


  25. “Black people do not like Atheists, they believe they are possessed by the devil.”

    lol, so true. I go to an HBCU and have had almost every person who found out/I told I was an atheist ask me if I knew “stuff” about Satanism. As if it couldn’t get any worse, my history professor discusses religions in a detailed manner and is regularly asked if he’s some type of atheist trying to “do the devil’s work.”



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